WASHINGTON-In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against
further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a
$400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations
to enjoy. "This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our
children and our children's children are not forced to live in a world
where they cannot bask in the natural beauty and breathtaking splendor
of me," said Zinke, adding that it would be "a national tragedy" if
people as soon as a few decades from now were deprived of his majestic
blue eyes. "From shoring up my rapidly diminishing hair reserves to
reinforcing the cracks and faults that have developed across my face and
body, the funding will help protect this great Cabinet official for many,
many years. Without the proper care, I could very soon deteriorate to the
point where our country is left with no Ryan Zinke at all-and how will we
explain that to our grandkids?" Zinke went on to say it would be a grave
injustice if the closest future generations ever got to his spectacular
grandeur were a mere archived photo from the Interior Department website.